Sara I fall from a sleep out into the thick night air. I question myself as to how I got here? I couldn’t answer. The bottle weighed heavy in my hand, I lightened my load and swallowed a whole lot more. The black rum warmed me inside. A warm belly and a bottle full of woes I made my way out of whatever bush I had hidden in. I can’t trust my intuitions and most of my time is wasted splurging on empty thoughts Not thinking about any of this college shit, girl shit, all shit! To be honest with myself I’ve been out of sorts of late, I think its this place but then I could be wrong.
Moving on through the night I wandered aimlessly through back lawns of party houses that were all partyed out. Thinking there was no one else around I screamed, someone answered back! Frail and fucked up I duck down, and hide behind the shadows. They dismiss my cry, turn and walk on by. Once again my thoughts failed me. This incident had now made me feel strangely lonely. I didn’t need anybody else around. My world was full of me and me only. Admittedly I had fucked a few people but never made them mine. All about me. I have been called selfish at times, but I feel that I don’t need to justify myself to a selfless world. What mattered was that I didn’t need anyone and nobody needed me? I stopped all thoughts and paused for a moment…
…moments lasted weeks were I come from. Now I am sitting down again on an abondend step. I could see the street lamp flicker on the other side of the street. It was that time of year when it was dark all year round and time didn’t matter.
The wood wet with cold tangled my hair. When I pull away my head spins and needs to rest more. This time I try but my stomach wretches and I need to push forward before I ruin my Armani. I hate this drink induced bile fest. I dont worry because I know I recover and this best thing for it is to promptly take a swig of black. Drunk and anonymous I stumble towards the next building in my path. My journey suddenly stopped to the shriek of a Freshman brat lurched around the corner. Again I ducked.
She laughed as she flew around the corner of the house. Her legs couldn’t carry her anymore. They tumbled beneath her sending her blonde head in a forward bounce. I stood flush against the wall holding my breath, unsure of what to do. She didn’t move, shit! Leap of faith I jump off the wall and walk up to the awakening tumbleweed fresher. At least I knew when to stop. I knelt over a wriggling torso, she was coming to. It’s that American girl I mauled three weeks ago in the pub.
Her eyes opened dazed and abused. She knew, she knew me, but couldn’t make out were from. Her first question confirmed this for me.
‘Where are you from? The psych. Soc.? No! Drama, right?’ she threw her last word up with the her kraft macaroni and cheese. It was sick but I could tell. ‘fuck’ sputter ‘fuck’ sputter ‘fuck, fuck’. Once again the heaving inside me started, I had to turn and look away before launching in to a tremendous chorus of wretches. I was able enough to hold back and resist. This had taken her mind off where I came from. She was now tending to my needs and asking if I was alright. Tough and with it I said fine.
Her eyes opened widely and suddenly it dawned on her where she knew me. I denied but she remembered. I put my lack of memory down to my drinking habits, I say. She tells me she liked me. Wanting to move on I try and pass off as curious. In a fit of vanity I am now curious as to why she ‘liked’ me rather than ‘likes’ me. She knows better than to believe that I am just the curious sort who dips in and out of the water. Her lips begin to move, she’s saying something, I can’t hear her. There’s a Feist track playing in my mind somewhere. I am zoning out. Was she getting closer or where my eyes fucked again? Then she kissed me. It was quick and my drunken mind couldn’t calculate everything at once. I stopped and she kissed again. This time I kissed back.










Conor Friday night loomed. I can’t make my mind up if I should infiltrate another straight do at another Frat house. It was the last of the season. The end of an era party. After that we graduated and it would all be over. End of our college world. Plastic trays no more, lunch queue finished with. I was happy about moving on from here, not that I had anywhere to move on to. I guessed I’d go and try and find a job in New York or somewhere. Note to self - make life plan.
Fickle and frustrated my mind scans through the objects occupying my wardrobe, not a Galliano to wear this evening. My waning inspiration leads me to my last resort. Swinging the window open I inhale and take the weather in. Grey wool and pink cotton tonight. The smell of the weather can always help in my fashion tragedies. Maybe I’ll go for the black shirt, not that it matters I’d like to be on the prowl, but bi beer heads don’t interest me anymore, I need a man, a good one. I only go to the stupid party because who know what curiosity’s may arise?
Keith picks me up at ten and we walk across commons to the pub for a pre party pims. Cocaine is not available to our wanting noses this very moment but we hold hope for later, someone will come through for us. Keith delivers my pims with a wincing look, as if to say you fag. Keith is straight and is jealous of my sexual promiscuity. Unlike me he is defunct in the fucking department. I stray away from the usual banter on how he should go about getting fucked, there’s no hope for this first base boy. My eyes hunt the room, looking for the action. For an empty campus there’s a lot of people in the pub. The women’s appreciation society sit in the corner discussing Nin and denying their lesbianism. Blatantly all dykes.
Keith calls an American girl over from his Lit class. He thinks he’s in, I know he’s not. She was more clit than Lit, but I don’t tell him I let him believe he may get fucked tonight. I am uninterested in their conversation so I leave them to it.
Conversation’s boomed and bellowed across the scope of the Pub. It was noisy and dark, I couldn’t see anyone I knew, all college freshmen finishing there first seasons lecture run. I remember when I was a freshman. The end of an era party seemed to be the talk of the semester and all I wanted to do was get there and party. Four years on and it’s the worst thing I think I could be doing.
Leering into the men’s bathroom I find the stall door shut. Fuck I need to shit before we move on. Shiting in public toilets gives me the creeps but when I need to do it, it needs to be done. I hang on a few minutes to see what this guy is up to and when will he leave the stall. I piss and I think that I can’t hold it in any longer when boom the stall door swings open to reveal a hunk of a Frat man, coked up and cock out. I point his work of art out to him and tell him to button up. Then the conversation takes a turn for the better.
‘Do you like cock?’ he said as he shuffled his man back to its resting place. ‘I like yours’ I blush. He turns back into the stall and nods for me to join. I check to my left and right, no one in sight, I join him.
‘Any lines left? Can I indulge as well?’ I am being cheeky now but this man is getting a blow job out of me I think I deserve something. He lays out two beautiful white lines of heaven out on the cistern. One, two, gone. A pinch and a wipe, now I’m his,. I am coming up and he begins to go down.
My mind begins to take a walk out of the stalls into the room and onto the streets. I am walking alone, people pass me by without a nod or a hi. These days are so impersonal. I am on my own outside the dorm. I am in my bed jerking off. I have come.
I open my eyes and this man is staring up at me, he licks his lips and stands up. I glance down and I see he is hard, oh sir give me some candy.














Keith I pick Conor up again, and again he’s fucked off to suck on some prick. He’s left me here with Kathy the wired Lit girl that I’m kind of into. No chance though she’s probably a dyke, that’s what they usually tell me anyway. The party is late getting started according to the Kappa Keg dick that spills his Dutch Gold all over Kathy. She’s wearing a white vest, I see her nipples. This doesn’t turn me on anymore. I wonder if that prick sucking puff is ever going to come back. I tell Kathy I’ll be back.
I am moving through the pub like an unknown. Shadows are surrounding there is a darkness setting in. I fall to my knees and slip into a parallel place.
I wake up and I am on the floor of Fratman Zac’s room. We are at the End of an era party. Kathy is naked on the bed, Fratman is jerking off. I am stiff in an instant.
‘She’ll only let me look’ the fratman beats off as he runs out of breath. Kathy is eagerly pummelling at herself. I come to my knees and see that I am only in shorts and the sight of my own stiff prick is making me nauseous. I put my face into the duvet between Kathy’s feet. Bang bang my hand beats off the side of the bed. I am thinking of him. I am thinking of Fratman, Professor Cliff, man at counter. I am becoming what I always feared the most. I played it down for so long and now I am beating off to the drum from a pride parade. I told myself I would never let this happen. Where is Conor? At this I come.
Kathy looks satisfied and Fratman looks Godlike. I am a mess, I cant move.
Fratman makes his way over to my side of the bed. He stands up and slips his hand down the top of my shorts revealing my bare ass. He licks his hand and I am hard again.
I can hear Kathy on a hyper type high ramble. Mouthing off about some bitch she slapped in the pub a while ago, I knew she wasn’t straight. I open my eyes, to find that once again I have lost track of the evening. I am afraid to ask Kathy how we ended up here. Had I been awake all along or was this just another hallucination? She wants to dance out into the porch with me, I deny her this right but oblige her my company. She waltzes off, the waltz is broken by a sudden shout in the night. We both jump. She passes it off but now I am scared and need to return to the safety of indoors.
The hall greets me with a stench of spilt beer and half-had sex. There is a room to my left with a sofa fit for a drunken king. I lie on the sofa. I take everything in for a minute. The beer cans, the large smeared window, Kathy spinning on the lawn. Kathy runs off down the row of lawns laughing at her own state of ecstasy.
I stretch out and watch the smoke settle on the remains of night well spent. I close my eyes again and hope for the best.








Kathy I make my way across a wet yard, from arts block to the canteen. The hum drum of a freaky Friday morning gives the day a slight tilt. Soaked students and there glum faces bring me down, I need an upper. My stomach rumbled as I broke through the door into the white bright building. I hugged myself with the cold, a cup of tea was needed. Anyone around was an unknown to me.
The doors to the canteen were wide open and low and behold sat at the first table was Sarah, the snotty art cow I happened to fall for weeks ago. I was keeping an eye out for her but this was the first spotting. She was an elegant bum, slumped on a chair in a camoflauge parka, chomping down a bramley’s apple. I need the tea so I dart toward the boiler and grab a cup. I hide behind the burco as I pour, I try and peep out to see her but the till is blocking my sight. Shit the cups spilling over and my fingers are now boiling. Fuck that I cant even mae tea without cauising a comotion. People call me clumsy at the best of times. The night I was with sarah I woke up with a broken finger and no memory of anything but her. I take the tea to go and quickly pass her by and hope she’s going to this evening’s festivities.
I need to hang around for a last minute lecture, I’m good like that I tend to go to these things, maybe I’ll pass this year. The clock slowly hits 12.15 and the lecture isn’t till half. The bench outside bekons me to sit on her and smoke. Well what else can I do? I am armed for the it, I pull my hood and and scarf tight. I warm my hands on the hot polystyrene in them. The cold bench numbs my ass, the gloves on my hand make getting my ciggies out really awkward. I light the stick and inhale, as the smoke and my breath hit the air a cloud surrounds me. Zac’s beefy body breaks it as he sits down beside me. ‘Are you going to Cliffs class?’, he asks like he needs to be sure someone will be there to accompany him. ‘Physically yes mentally, well it depends on what we’re going to be reading’. Zac laughs and motions for me to get up and go.
I am still thinking about Sarah, so much so that I am humming the Phil Lynott classic. Zac raises his eyebrow at me as ig he knows exactly who im thinking about and shouldn’t be. Sarah was a chancer, a Russian roulette of emotions, basically a bitch! I knew she was bad for me but I wanted to change her, needed to. Zac and I part ways, he arranges the drugs and I arrange our metting point, The Campus Cow Mart, where the entire congress of students assembled for an evening of debaucherus activities.
Its 10.30 and the place is packed, Zac has bought us some coke and a tray of Dutch Gold for the night. He’s a good man to me, it’s a shame neither of us fly in the same direction. Oh well another hetro couple replaced by us fun loving queers.